Why do the best things in life come with a price??

I grumble. A lot. Grumbling is good. Great for letting out steam and even better when you want to seriously reflect on something. So you are being warned. This is a piece drenched in grumble.

Why do all the best things in life come with a price?? Dont believe me? Ok, love comes with pain. A child comes with labour pain. Babies come with poop, pee and sleepless nites. A husband comes with............ whatever you want to fill in the blank... ok lets move away from human beings. An ice cream comes with calories. Money comes with bills. Growing up comes with responsibilities. Even a car comes with maintenance issues. Neighbours come with unwanted habits. Pets come with their own attitudes. Even that gorgeous Valentino gown comes with a tag I can probably afford after I work at four jobs. Working at a day job comes with office competition, and working from home comes with a lot of tension as to where the next paycheck is going to come from. The list could go on and on..

This is one of those awful days for me. Awful because am thinking about my birthday cake. Heres a pic. Doesnt it look divine? check out the soft light cream, the juicy cherries and the yummy chocolate shavings. Can you blame me for grumbling about the calories it comes with and how hard I have been working at the gym, and how digging into that lovely piece will definetly send me on a high but is also going to hug my waistline? The guy who makes these pastries knows his cakes well. The right Black Forest sits lightly on your tastebuds, never too heavy and just rightly light. The more I type, the more am drifting away. You know what... what the heck... life is short, comfortably short. I am going to walk into that shop and buy one, maybe two and dig into it. ..... and after am done, theres always room to grumble about the weirdos around me who can hog for two and still look underfed.

TO MY SON

Never was a baby born more beautiful, more sweet,

Yet every mother feels this way,

Never did a more perfect creation nestle close to me,

Like you did today.

There must be a God,

Who crafted you the way he did,

The cherubic cheeks, the angelic smile,

The eyelashes that curl from each lid,

I love the way you hold my finger,

In your little palm so tight,

And the way you carelessly hug me,

In the quiet of the night.

You hold my world in your smile,

And yet so unknowingly,

A single teardrop in your big black eyes,

Kills me slowly.

I know that you love the outdoors,

And the tall, huge willow tree,

The many colours of Mother Nature,

Singing their hearts free.

Dangers lurk,

In the world outside your door,

Cruelty and selfishness abound,

And pain to make your tender heart sore.

Stay here in my arms, my baby boy,

And let your mother fight for you,

Where you only need to stay happy and smile,

Waking up to each morning new.

Yet I know that I must let you,

Walk on and leave me by,

As I watch you fight and bleed from battle,

Or fail even when you try.

Then, even if I can feel,

The hot tears arise,

I will hold them down with all my might,

And merely wipe my eyes.

You need to know that,

My love is possessive yet true,

And even when I am looking from above,

That I will forever be guarding you.

LOVE, PRAYERS, TITE HUGS AND KISSES,

YOUR MAMA

I feel like a child again WHEN-

1. I suck on a lollipop. Brings back memories of childhood and cadburys.

2. Make funny faces and act silly. Which isnt hard. Just to see my baby giggle.

3. Sit on a giant wheel. I still feel on top of the world and closest to heaven when am there.

4. Dad hugs me and tells me I will always be his little girl. I dont want to grow up anymore.

5. Mum remembers something I like and makes it for me. I feel loved.

6. Mum scolds me. And then reassures me that even if I am a grandkid and she is around, I will still get a dose from her. I love the fact that I havent grown up for her as yet. Sometimes.

7.  I look through old family albums. My smile as a kid. The birthday parties. Waiting to see what presents I got. Mum and dad looking years younger.

8.  I sit on a rollercoaster. I always say I wont do it again ever but then I always do it. One more time.

9. I hear songs from old malayalam movies. They remind me of the times we sat down in front of the now extinct VCR and watched malayalam movies. The songs just stayed on.

10. My grandparents tell me tales about my childhood. I want to keep listening about how I almost ruined my aunt's makeup on her wedding day, how I loved tearing leaves from the plants, and how I could spend my full day in the kitchen with our servant.

11. I listen to some 80's english tunes. Dad and I would faithfully listen to the radio on our way to school.

12. I put my face upwards and feel the rain on my face. Fever quickly follows usually.

13. I look at my certificates and cups. Those were the times when winning meant everything and even your best friend was competition. Thankfully she no longer is.

14. I play some silly game am too old for with my baby sister. She is 11 and no longer a baby is reality. And I end up playing games am too old for. Therein lies the thrill.

15. I think of my dad's house which once was, in Bombay. I used to swing on the gate and look at what my neighbours were doing.

16. I swing on the gate in my mothers house. As a child it really swung. Now it groans and barely creeks.

17. I eat a chocolate bar. I never munch. I put one cube in my mouth and let it melt away.

18. I get a surprise present. Who doesnt love surprises?

19. When its my birthday. I still want a cake, still want everybody to sing,and I still want lots of presents. Just like my yesterdays.

20. I want to cry. And my dad and mum will allow me to bawl my head off, and comfort me at the end of it. It helps so much to know that home is always there.

 21. I look at my list of things I must do in this lifetime. Two things have been crossed. Marriage, a kid and a poetry book. Still lots more left, including someday owning a baby orangutan and  a baby elephant.

22. I talk about my dreams. Dreams are a natural anti aging ingredient !

23. When I look at pictures of my teen years. Yuck. I was fat, had the thickest specs you ever saw on a female and was always the butt of jokes.

24. I watch old childhood movies like Sound of Music, Home Alone and animated flicks like Beauty and the Beast. I once wanted to do voice overs for Disney movies. Still do. Except am more realistic about it possibly not happening now.

25. I write my diary. I still have the ones from my childhood. Someday I will gift them to my child. So that he will know the every days of his mother's life.

What makes you become a child again?

Of late, my baby boy-

1. Gives me a wide toothless grin in the morning after he wakes up. He also keeps kicking both legs in excitement.

2. He stares at the fan, kicking at the speed of 80 km per hour, probably in the hope that the energy created will enable him to float upwards.

3. Is quietly observing what am doing during his bath time.

4. Loves lying on his tummy but is too lazy to do it by himself.

5. Puts out both his hands, and makes cooing noises when he wants to be carried.

6. Loves looking at the fish tank, the plants, and the fake white orchids.

7. Has started to giggle.

8. Loves sounds that can be made using the mouth. like burrp, bbbrrrrrr and especially whistling.

9. Is a little master at making the bbrrrrr sound.

10. Cant tolerate hunger ( now where did he get that from I wonder??).

11. Loves to pee in my lap.

12. Wants to be spoken to all the time and cant take being ignored.

13. Loves playing with his dad.

14. Makes little sounds that makes him startle too.

15. Likes tasting whatever am eating.

16. Already has a fascination for phones and cameras.

17. Cries when the car stops at a traffic light. He thinks the car moves on hearing him cry.

18. Doesnt like simply sitting. He wants the pram moving at all times.

19. Gets bored too easily.

20. Loves the Barney toy which sings a song.

21. Hates getting his nails cut.

22. Gently snores in his sleep. 

23. Wants to be assured that I am always near him.

24. Loves massaging his own head while drinking cerelac.

25. Hates being in his crib for long.

26. Doesnt want to bother crawling, he wants to walk right now !

27. Yells at me in baby language when we cant understand what he wants.

28. Loves admiring his little fists.

29. Doesnt bother with sucking only his thumb. For him its all 5 fingers or nothing at all.

30. Has the cutest baby yawn in the world....

Why are Indians so UN- Indian when they are not in India?

Is Mera Bharat really mahan? Ok. So yes. What about us Indians? There's something so pseudo almost about the way most Indians conduct themselves when they are not in India. Almost everything changes about them- the way they talk, what they eat, the way they say things and even their accent. Suddenly they forget how to converse even in their native lingo. Here are some weird but true observations my four eyes made-

1. They barely wear the type of clothes they would have normally worn in India- such as a sari or a salwar kameez. Once abroad, gowns, pants and skirts take over.
2. They eat different. Goodbye chappathi and bread for breakfast or lunch. Its fashionable salads, muffins and sandwiches now.
3. Even the names of dishes are weirder and longer. Like palak paneer becomes' soft cheese dumplings in mashed spinach', and chicken masala becomes ' tender chicken marinated in traditional spices and herbs'. So going by that, I had tender steamed cauliflower tossed with red peppers for lunch.:-)
4. An accent that was never there will suddenly make an appearance. I have known people who went to states and UK for a few months and then came back trying to talk like one of the natives there.
5. They work out more. Being seen at the gym, playing a sport is suddenly the in thing to do.
6. Indians barely ever smile at other Indians. This I can vouch for. None of the Indian families in my complex have even smiled at me as yet, although I swear I did. Why do we act like the other doesnt exist?
7. Nobody watches saas- bahu and other soppy serials like other 'good' Indians.
8. Most of them dont teach their kids things they learnt when growing up. Nor do they share the little things that make them Indian with their kids. Like how to fly a kite. Or eat with the hands. The more un- Indian the kids are, the more successful the parents think they have been as role models. 'My child doesnt speak hindi. But he is the first in his class in English'.
9. Suddenly ordinary eatables like rotis become'exotic breads', and masala tea becomes 'tea with spices'. Takes away the Indianness of food itself.
10. India now becomes a chi- chi country. Too much pollution, too much noise, too much garbage, too much everything.

Why do we forget that at the end of the day it is India who gives us our identity?

The gym should ONLY be for people weighing over 90 kg.


Pregnancy is Mother Nature's gift to women who love to eat. Like me. The best part is nobody really says anything and you can actually make people get up and buy you that particular chocolate bar with nuts, raisins and caramel made by thaat one chocolate company. My advice is make the most of the pampering. I recently felt like eating some ice cream and all I got was a very witty comment of- Shouldnt your cravings be over by now? I thought you just delivered a baby. That successfully killed my interest in ice cream. Atleast for that day.

So. I have started working out again.  For some reason, after you become a mother, people almost expect to see you in dresses that are twice your size, hair all over the place and what not. If you look at half the women in Singapore, you would never even say that a good number of them are mothers. The maid who comes in once a week, gave me one heart attack when she revealed that she had three married children. I could have sworn that she was only in her 30's. In fact I told her, three kids and you look like a stick. I had just one kid, and am a walking balloon. She just laughed. hmmmmm...I knew she wouldn't share the secret !!

Working out in the gym should ideally make me feel better about myself. On the contrary. The other people who come to the gym have no business to be there at all. I shall explain. The guy in the sleeveless silver tshirt and blue shorts wears the same gym wear every single day. He is so freaking thin that if I have to blow some air on him, he is likely to float away. And this modern day skeleton lifts up weights weighing a minimum of 10 kg just to pep up his thin arms. But its working for him. He actually has some small bicep buds beginning to sprout. Me? The only weight am interested in lifting is my plate of food. I have to pick up my baby by default. There is also this thin thin lady, who seriously has dots for boobs, and exactly one gram of flesh for a butt. What was she doing in the gym? My dear, she was jogging for an hour on the treadmill, burning at the end of it whatever she ate the whole week. I mean why do such people have to come to the gym at all? To make me feel fatter, am sorry plumpier? Or to show me what happens when people work out too much? Because if that is the case, then am genuinely worried. Here I am, plump old me huffing and puffing and counting every nanosecond of the thirty minutes that I work out on the treadmill for.

So, you would expect that the much needed motivation, would come from friends So, i asked them- have I lost any weight , do I look any thinner?Hmmm...You havent lost any weight as far as I can see, but you have shaped up... Huh?? Ok, people say your skin is supposed to glow when you are working out, is my skin glowing??? I dont know. What is the meaning of glowing skin?? You are looking healthier anyways... So does that mean I was looking unhealthy before? No, its just that I think you're looking healthier...  I have no clue what she meant.. Talking to mum wasnt encouraging either. The lady actually told me not to take the pains to go to the gym. Thing is she and I are in some competition to see who loses weight faster. Why does this grandmother  choose to compete with this mother than with other grandmothers her age I have no clue. If I have to ask dad who has lost weight mom or me, he is sure to say that mom is slimmer.. I stopped blaming him a long time back. After all, mom is responsible for his dinners isnt she?

What makes me smile so much is that hubby dear will always be assured that he is soooo slim, even if he actually isnt. And I will always be assured that I am fat even if am really not. After all, what are mothers for?

As if I wasnt already an anxious overthinker, of late I have personally become a lot worse. I keep coming face to face with some 'great'line like- Being a mother is a 24 hour job, and is a duty that doesnt end in this lifetime; or something else like Being a mother means you cannot afford to fail. That only steps up my anxiety about how am going to be eventually turn out when and where it matters most.

I have always been this planner. A person who set aside days and months for a specific something. Everything changed after marriage. My plans of getting out and continuing my career of a working woman abruptly stopped. From somewhere came this chance to do some content writing. I wanted to see the world, and do all sorts of fun things before becoming a mother. Come sep 2007 and I realise that hey I am pregnant. Come november 28 2007 and I realise that I have been 3 months pregnant and didnt even know it. This is the scary part. My frame of mind then was ok am not strong enough to abort, and my personal ethics dont even make room for it. So i am having this baby and I have to get mentally stronger about a responsbility that I just have to take up. I had to grow up fast. I had just 7 months to mentally prepare myself for possibly the biggest role a woman takes up.   I wonder if I had actually planned everything, would it have had an impact on my motherhood skills? It isnt that I regret my baby. Nothing could ever make me do that. It is only because I love him so helplessly and so much that I want him to have the best. I want to be the best. When I hold him sometimes I still battle that feeling of am I doing this right. Personally, I have had to stay behind and watch old time friends zoom across in their careers and in life. I probably wont ever be able to catch up. I dont know. I could probably leave the baby with a nanny and try catching up in the rat race. But I would be forfeiting the experience of a lifetime, and that would be one more regret I dont need on my list. I know one thing. Whoever said that motherhood comes naturally was so dead wrong. There is nothing freaking natural about it. If it was as natural as breathing and walking, women across the globe wouldnt be screaming in labour pain. They would just give birth in a more controlled manner minus the usual histronics. Motherhood is all about learning on the go. Ok. Am leaving the unwanted reflective thought I started out with, here. God did plan this after all. And if he thought that an unprepared mother like me was good enough for the job, then am going to have a bit more trust in the one he had faith in. Me. 

I just realised that-

1) When I wake up in the mornings, I look at my sleeping baby and think that I am so lucky to be his mother. And I quietly thank God in my mind.
2) After the delivery, I am losing quite a bit of my precious mane. I didnt think I was that much a fuss pot about losing hair now and then, till I had a freakout session on wednesday.
3) I am quite serious about keeping this blog up and running.
4)  I still suck at making resumes, and I probably wouldnt hire myself on reading the one am working on now.
5)  I am now a mother. But I have no intentions of walking around in attire that signifies I am nearing my expiry date. I still dream of the sexy halter necks and hot pants. DREAM is the word to focus on. Reality still laughs at me.
6)  I am serious about my gym workouts. Main reason being that I can get to lip sync to my favourite songs.
7) Lady Marmalade is one of my favourite numbers. I cant get the lyrics right but I do mouth- Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, quite ok.
8) I miss french. And I blame myself for letting lose of my hold on a lingo I dearly loved. So, am going to sniff out some good sites which will  help me get back my fluency.
9) I should have taken more effort to learn Spanish and Italian on my own. What made me spend so much on Learn it Yourself books?
10) I want to travel the world. With my baby. Europe is still on my list although I dont know if its do-able anymore.
11) I want to get a bit more drunk in ambition and release a second book of poems.
12) I was a fool in MBA to think that a job would make me really happy. The happiest days were then and there, when I was surrounded by people who mattered and dad was footing the bills.
13) I feel sad about not clearing up some past mess with people I genuinely cared about. And it hurts that they probably think I was one bitch who used their goodness to my advantage. But I am not a manipulator. And it was never meant to end that way. But it did. And it hurts a lot.
14) When I think about mom, dad and nikki, I get this faraway look in my eyes, and I get misty-eyed.
15) You dont always need to bow your head in prayer when you want to connect with the Almighty. Last night, I sat on a bench under the stars and was just talking quietly. He was listening I can tell.
16) There arent many places left on earth where you can be truly by yourself. Either its a person, a car or an insect to take away the silence.
17) I want my baby to be all the things I am not. And all the things I am.
18) My son is the only person in my world to love me without any compromises. Just me being there is good enough for him.
19) I am still not the kind of person to stay at home. A lot of the time I am battling my own restlessness. Mostly I lose.
20) Being a mother is the hardest role I have ever played. And I can never afford to fail.

Its been ages since I last went shopping and concentrated only on myself. Of late, picking up things anywhere has mostly just been about the baby or the flat. So, it was a welcome change to hear hubby say- lets go shopping for just you today. Somewhere I knew I once remembered the feeling, but somewhere again I just didnt. We decided to try out the mall not far from where we live.

Vivo City. Its a world away from the one we live in. You walk and drag yourself from one shop to another not realising just how much you are walking. Its only when you sit down for a minute that you realise just how tired your legs really are. Well, the agenda for today was to buy clothes for meself. Style is such a personal statement dont you think? What I wore yesterday wasnt what I would have worn 4 years back and vice versa. I keep swearing am going to become a slim beauty and squeeze myself into fashion wear reserved for skeletons, but my body plans otherwise. Who doesnt love a good bargain? Fila had some great tshirts and even nicer discounts.  Since when did Sanjana really bother about who liked what she wore?

Back to the shopping. If shopping is truly about me for a day, then it has to involve books. Books. Books. Books. So many to read. Too many to own. And not enough moolah to do it. This mall had two bookstores. I happened to come across the biggest one first- Page one. Awesum. If a bookstore has to be called awesum by me, it has to meet certain criterias. First, it has to be spacious, with clear indications of what is where. Second it has to be huge. Third, the staff should be willing to help out and not run away each time you approach them. But the fourth is the sweetest. A bookstore that has a book you have been looking for ages, tends to stay longer in your mind. Well this place had a great Indian authors section and an enormous non fiction section too. I love historical biographies. Theres no better way to learn history and savour it than by reading it like a story with all the flava put in. Antonia Fraser and Irving Stone are two of my favourite historical biographers. Marie Antoinette was one queen I loved to hate till Fraser wrote a book about her and gave her a total image makeover. One of my favourites by Stone is 'The agony and the ecstasy", about the great Michaelangelo. I truly think Michaelangelo lived a second life through that book; thats how powerful it is. Anyways. After 45 minutes of wandering, I settled on four novels- Rani, Mary Queen of Scots, Atonement, Antony and Cleopatra. Iam yet to walk into a bookstore and come out with just one book in hand.

Also decided to treat myself to DKNY's latest perfume- Delicious Night, which is simply great. I have this fetish for berries of late, and this perfume has its comforting and sweet notes. Shopping truly massages the mind and ego. I think the kick is more when you dont indulge that often. In the end we had no clue where 5 hours had gone but had plenty of bags to account for it.