Me ThInKs

As if I wasnt already an anxious overthinker, of late I have personally become a lot worse. I keep coming face to face with some 'great'line like- Being a mother is a 24 hour job, and is a duty that doesnt end in this lifetime; or something else like Being a mother means you cannot afford to fail. That only steps up my anxiety about how am going to be eventually turn out when and where it matters most.

I have always been this planner. A person who set aside days and months for a specific something. Everything changed after marriage. My plans of getting out and continuing my career of a working woman abruptly stopped. From somewhere came this chance to do some content writing. I wanted to see the world, and do all sorts of fun things before becoming a mother. Come sep 2007 and I realise that hey I am pregnant. Come november 28 2007 and I realise that I have been 3 months pregnant and didnt even know it. This is the scary part. My frame of mind then was ok am not strong enough to abort, and my personal ethics dont even make room for it. So i am having this baby and I have to get mentally stronger about a responsbility that I just have to take up. I had to grow up fast. I had just 7 months to mentally prepare myself for possibly the biggest role a woman takes up.   I wonder if I had actually planned everything, would it have had an impact on my motherhood skills? It isnt that I regret my baby. Nothing could ever make me do that. It is only because I love him so helplessly and so much that I want him to have the best. I want to be the best. When I hold him sometimes I still battle that feeling of am I doing this right. Personally, I have had to stay behind and watch old time friends zoom across in their careers and in life. I probably wont ever be able to catch up. I dont know. I could probably leave the baby with a nanny and try catching up in the rat race. But I would be forfeiting the experience of a lifetime, and that would be one more regret I dont need on my list. I know one thing. Whoever said that motherhood comes naturally was so dead wrong. There is nothing freaking natural about it. If it was as natural as breathing and walking, women across the globe wouldnt be screaming in labour pain. They would just give birth in a more controlled manner minus the usual histronics. Motherhood is all about learning on the go. Ok. Am leaving the unwanted reflective thought I started out with, here. God did plan this after all. And if he thought that an unprepared mother like me was good enough for the job, then am going to have a bit more trust in the one he had faith in. Me.