ON GRANDPA

I never thought my mom's father would feature in a blog post like this. Then again, like all hopeless realists, I took it for granted that he would be there forever and never die. Reality, who loves hitting me full blow in the face, slapped me hard- my grandpa died on Jan 11, 2009. And I had spoken to him just a day before. Although his speech slurred, his never say die attitude shone through- "I am fit and fine. and they arent letting me leave the hospital. I want to go home'. In the end, he did, except that home was now in the sky.

I didnt want to go for the funeral, and yet I did. I recommend going to funerals. Reality shakes you up well and good when you see a dead body, and that I believe is the first step to getting over the loss. Also, you realise all the good things that you still have. Thirdly, when you see the number of people who turn up to mourn a good man, it makes you want to lead a good life too.

I wasnt actually close to my grandpa, in the sense I didnt go running to tell him all about each event in my life, but he is the one grandparent who I have been around the longest. We had our moments together- like him picking me up from school and both of us having lunch together; being gifted a children's bible story book as a prize for a speech contest, my piggy banks were gifts from him, he always generously donated in coins and later cash, he gifted me a stuffed scottish terrier, I ended up watching cricket matches with him even thought I didnt really want to, I loved to see him potter around with his car, his table was always full of little knick knacks, he always remembered I loved chicken and food on the whole, he wore the few shirts and t shirts I gave him with utmost pride, and he always sounded so cheerful on the phone even when he didnt feel like it. I miss hearing his liners like- "you clot." "I am fit. Why whats wrong with me. You want me to drive the car and show you?" 'Walk straight. Chin out'. "Hi sanu. How are you, thanks for calling'.

Sometimes, you are closer to people than you are aware. I think the same is true of Big daddy and me. He was a short man, just 5 feet something tall, but he was a big man in every way- love wise, generousity wise, kindness wise and he had a big heart. He is more deeply embedded in my memory than even I know which is why I broke down while saying my tribute to him at the funeral. The little bad man, waving at me and giving me a hug that only his little frail body could give. Thats the way I am always going to remember him. Love you Bigdaddy.

WITH A BANG


Am beginning my New Year with a very familiar old feeling- guilt. Guilt at not having kept at my exercise regime, at not having posted anything on this blog for ages now, and especially for not having penned any new poetry. Best of all, what started out as a dream is still just that. Am referring to my great hopes about starting a children's book. Maybe someday this year I will finally get down to it.

I used to hate people who said they just didnt have the time. How can you not have time? Time is the only one thing we humans have an abundance of. I mean there ARE after all 24 hours in a day. Of late I find myself saying I dont have time to do a lot of things. I forgot to send xmas cards to everybody, didnt have time to send mails on orkut wishing everybody a new Year, and I even didnt call my best friend on new years either. Its helps that she doesnt really expect me to do things like that and if we talk today it will still feel like the conversation never ended between us. All I find I have time to do right now is juggling the most basic duties of a wife- cooking, cleaning, washing, taking care of the kid. When somebody asks you what you do during the day, its really no thrill to reel off this boring list. People give me the look like- whaa? thats ALL you do? Yes mister, of late that's ALL I do. Its not that I want things to be like this, but somehow it is. I dont even get time to read. That kills me in a way. What is a writer if he doesnt read?

So at the end of this- am happier that one new post has been added to my blog. And while I was away at it, my kid who is doing his best to crawl, walk and sit at the same time, just rolled over and banged his head on the floor. Needless to say all his bawling and the tears running down his beautiful eyes were enough to make me feel guilty again. And for lunch am having a pizza. I know I will relish it today, but tomorrow when am back at the gym, I know am going to feel miserable thinking of how my one hour of sweating ahs only successfully burned up 300 of the 1000 calories. Guilt. I tell you, she is the one you want to watch out for !