A not so short letter to my 4 year old

Dearest Gaby,

It may seem strange to you that I am typing a letter to you, that too when I see you every day but there were so many things I wanted to tell you but which you just wouldn't understand right now. Years later when you grow older, you are likely to come and ask me 'Mama, what kind of a child was I?' and at that time I don't want to dither for answers. The only reason why I'm likely to scratch my head and think hard about the many things you used to do as a child, is because I'm sure a deadly combination of senility and amnesia would have set in by then. Coming to think of it, as we grow older, for some reason we all want to hear little snippets about our childhood and the naughtier the incidents; the happier we are.

Some day I'm hoping that you will yourself sit down and read all the entries in this blog. But for now, this is what I'd like to say to my first-born:

1. I love looking into your big eyes because they are the only and maybe the best feature you have inherited from me. And they reflect everything- your happiness, a sparkle when you have done something naughty, a teardrop when you are in pain and a 100 other emotions that I know only too well.

2. Your sense of humor is so charming and it's only going to get better as your grow older. You've already figured out that imitating others, making faces, cracking a witty one-liner or your usual 'Pleeazzz' will make others smile. Don't forget to laugh at yourself sometimes too when you grow older. You'll find that it makes you stay grounded and humble.

3. Your grandma loves to whine that the house has become messier after you and I have come here. And I love that. Because a house is always just a building made of bricks and cement, till a child comes and makes it a home. I know you've secretly added a few of your masterpieces on the walls (your grandma hasnt seen them yet and when she does, run! But till then I won't tell :-) ), that your fingerprints can be clearly spotted on the glass cupboards and your toys are everywhere but in their toy box and I love that so much. And I also know that although you say you don't love grandma, you miss her so much when she isn't around. Dont worry, she already knows how much you love her too even though you never hesitate to state otherwise.

4. Since you are the first boy to be born in my side of the family, I can honestly say that you came as a breath of fresh air to your dada. Having been surrounded by 3 women for a good part of his life, finally some testosterone came our way :-) And if you've noticed, your dada very subtly buys biscuits claiming that they are for you and royally finishes them up on his own. (that's another secret we won't tell grandma).

5. I know that bringing you back from Singapore and the whole change in atmosphere was anything but easy for you. But you've adapted so beautifully that I think it's as much your victory as it is mine. I also noticed that you've become naughtier and these days you behave like some invisible leash has suddenly been taken off you. I take that as a sign that this move was just what was needed for you. And me.

6. The last time I saw you biting your nails, you told me ' Mama, my tooth is coming loose' just as an excuse (did you think I was born yesterday?). I know exactly what you were up to and although I do not advocate such blatant twisting of facts or an over hyperactive imagination, my heart was secretly doing a tap dance and I was struggling to control my lopsided smile that was just aching to come out. In short, I wanted to laugh and hug you but that would have only encouraged you to come up with more such stories in the future. And so, you got a warning not to tell any more lies again. But, having said that, let me also tell you that you're nothing like what I was when I was a kid.

7. Hairstyles. I don't know why you think you have the most luxurious mane in the world, but darling you don't. Although I have to hand it over to you for style at the age of 4. I know you don't have enough faith in my style quotient (not that I blame you!) and you assume that your kiddy hairstyles are world-class, but they really are not. However, I do enjoy watching you take your ritual of brushing your hair and styling it so seriously, every day.

8. I love that you're not the clingy type and that you can manage just fine on your own without me. The first time you went to school and sat in the bus all by yourself I was half expecting and  hoping that you would cry for me. And when you didn't , part of me was so disappointed and the other half was so jubilant. If you are confident enough to sit in a bus with strangers you have just met and without a familiar face around at the age of four, you'll do just fine if you have to move to another city and live there when you're older.

9. I love watching you play by yourself. It's such a natural stressbuster that I don't know why I don't do it more often. The sounds that you make, the way you say 'Aiyyo', the imaginary conversations you have- these are a few of the things I wish I could lock up in my mind for always. Because these days will go away as you get bigger and by then you would have discovered the never ending fascination of video games and play stations. I think I've already unconsciously made the decision to keep you away from them for a while longer.

10. Each time I see you, I remember the 1 hour old infant who caught my little finger with both his hands. That one gesture said everything. I used to wonder why mothers cling to their children when they get married, but I've understood that it's something that is easier said than done. Although a mother may or may not say it, there is always the fear that a child may actually not need her someday. And then what is a mother to do? Although, if such a thing happens, it's actually a tribute to the mother's capabilities as a parent. But try telling that to any mother and I bet you she'll have immediate tears in her eyes. There's something nice about needing your mom even when you are independent enough. There's a clear reason why I still bug your grandma into making me tea every morning although it should ideally be the other way round. But, if its any comfort, I do make her breakfast every day.

11. I've rarely met people who can light up a room with their smile, a word or an action. Your Nikki Chech is one such person and so is your Uncle G. Sometimes, you look just like a ray of sunshine especially when you wear your yellow t-shirt and I pray that you'll always have a cheerful look on your face and flutter your long eye-lashes even when you grow older and you get a more realistic taste of what the world really is about.

12. You remind me of a French wine connoisseur every time you eat something tasty and close your eyes while simultaneously smiling and saying mmmmmmmm. Gordon Ramsay would be proud to know that you have such refined sensibilities and such mature taste-buds especially when it involves your mama's cooking.

13. Thankfully, you're getting tired of not getting your way each time you throw a tantrum and that makes it easier for me as a parent. Repeat for the 50th time- Tantrums are bad behavior!

14. Your love for books is undoubtedly from me. And thank God. Because I was seriously contemplating giving away my books to a charity drive or donate them to a school. But now since you already have a taste for the written word, there's a good chance that you'll develop it all your life as well. And anytime you feel like a good read, visit your mama's bookshelf. Each book there has a story of its own and is there for a reason.

In short, bringing you up is one of the hardest challenges I've ever taken up in life. Because I'm always worried if I'm doing it right. The nagging What if's just never let a mother's conscience rest in peace. On the other hand, you're also the sweetest. And the most fun. I can't tell you how glad I am that you know how to have fun and that you give the tightest and bestest hugs in the whole wide world.