Love Happens. And is rightfully blind.

' The Green Room' is a book that will arrive at your favourite book-store soon. I have a feeling that the people who do end up spending money to buy the book will either be wannabe fashionistas, those who are keen to learn more about the fashion industry or those who are a fan of the author himself- Wendell Rodricks.

What if I told you that this book is probably one of the best love stories of our times, would you grab it then? Probably. What if I told you that the love story in question was that of Wendell Rodricks and Jerome Marrell, his partner of 30 years? Did I just hear you say you're not interested in love stories about gay people? Well, you're not alone.

The first time I heard the word 'gay' must have been when I was in school. But even back then, some adult warning prevented me from freely using this adjective  in school essays and in general conversation as well. I would never tell people I was gay, instead I would tell them that I was 'happy'. It's amazing how even as a child, you can form a prejudice about something, a word or about someone without fully understanding why. Years later, when I became a teenager, of course the very thought of being around gay or even slightly effeminate people was torture. 'I just don't like gay people' I would announce like as if anybody cared. But why was it that I did not like them was something I never bothered to reflect upon.

Till I realised with a pang that Elton John, one of my favourite musicians was gay. So was Ellen Degeneres, who I think has such an infectious smile and just sprays warmth and laughter wherever she goes. So was Neil Patrick Harris who plays the ever righteous Barney Stilson. Jodie Foster. Alan Cumming. Darren Hayes who gave the group Savage Garden some beautiful numbers. Ian McKellen, Adam Lambert (yes I was hoping he would win American Idol) and even Ricky Martin. Dare I forget George Michael, whose songs I grew up listening to. And the list goes on.

Yes, quite a few writers have made it to the list as well. Personalities like Oscar Wilde, E.M Forster and Samuel Butler are all rumoured to have been gay. But unless a person is strong enough to stand up in front of society and admit he or she is gay, we will never know for sure. These days, of course, admitting one's sexual preferences earns the admiration of a small number of people besides simultaneously earning the rejection of others too.

And then I sat down to understand why such a prejudice had stuck in my head for so long, without any reason at all. It had, of course, much to do with the general attitude towards gays within my family and friends circle, as well as a generous helping of brainwashing from general society itself. It's taken me years honestly to get over a fear that wasn't justified in the first place and a prejudice which should never have been born at all.

I've always wondered why society doesn't open its eyes a little more and let people who don't have the society approved sexual preference, in peace. I mean, we all admire so many gay people for their work but mention the word 'gay' and eyebrows are lifted within seconds. On the other hand, thanks to the inability of so many families to accept that their children are 'gay' and aren't faking it, many of these people get married to members of the opposite sex and have a marriage that is oh-so convenient from a society point of view, but disastrous for the two people involved. I remember reading books on AIDS, gay people, books that attempted to understand why some people are gay and some aren't, when I was in college. One of the best books that I came across was by Dr Verghese ' My Own Country' where readers get a first-hand experience of what it feels like to have a loved one die of AIDS. I remember reading that kids as young as 5 knew that something wasn't right with them, because they always felt an attraction towards older boys and not to other girls the same age. Society may say that whether you are gay, hetero or bisexual is a conscious choice that you make. But I think otherwise. Some may say I'm right and most will say I'm wrong.

I think that in a world where true love is getting rarer by the day, that Wendell and his partner have a beautiful relationship that should ideally be an example to people everywhere. Besides two men living and loving each other, theirs is a partnership which proves that love need not be confined to one's skin colour or even origin. For Wendell is Indian and Jerome is French. And I hope that for the sake of a new generation which I believe will grow to be more tolerant and respectful to people irrespective of who they are and where they are from, that 'The Green Room' becomes a classic love story on par with Romeo & Juliet. Because very few people are blessed to be touched by true love herself.

Mary Kom Packs a Punch!

So, the Facebook Detox Diet was going on in full swing till today. I cheated and allowed myself to log in just to check if there were any new mails or friend requests. And I was right! 2 new mails and a request from an old college pal awaited me, besides birthday reminders of 2 dear friends. But I didn't wait to wish anybody ( I know very mean of me) and all I did was to glance over 4 posts to see if I had missed anything. And it's the same old news- more wedding pics, more celebration pics, more I -dont-know-these-are-up-here-for-the-world-to-see pics and useless updates. For instance, one of the people on my list mentions a single word as his status update- YESS. Now what am I supposed to make of that?

So, I was grinning. Doesn't look like anybody missed my not being there on FB and I realised with a pang of shame that I now suddenly have so much more time on my hands for other things. Like writing this blog post for instance. So, I'm back on the diet and really happy that I don't have any other parameters to compare anything about or in my life to. And going by the sweet encouraging feedback on that one blog post, I was so happy to find that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I used to think my mom preferred to remain outdated in all things techno, but I think she had a wise point which I completely missed 2 years back!

Anyways. So this blog post title is about Mary Kom and so I'm going to swing back to the current hot flavour of India. I've never been one for cricket ( yes I dared to say that!) and I've always wondered about what it must feel like to be an athlete competing in one of the many other sports that most of us don't care about. There's always been a problem of getting funds, sponsors and yes, even big-time cash. How happy I was to know that the Olympics placed people I had never even heard of before(my ignorance, nothing else!) directly in the spotlight, and about high- time too. For a change, the drums beating at the airports and the crowds were thronging not to see one of their dear cricket gods, but the newly crowned Olympic winners. How encouraging to see article after article being written on them in newspapers and the general love of the public which was showered on them.

Mary Kom. She's my new heroine in so many ways. But besides proving that married women with kids don't need to be written off as being useless and ' in their prime', I admire the way she has handled everything with so much of grace. This new found adulation, all the publicity, yes even the hoards of sponsors who are now willing to shell out lakhs for her! What strikes me as unusual and also marks a change in the way at least a part of society thinks is that it is her husband who has backed her up every step of the way, irrespective of the hardships. I've heard that ' Behind every successful man is a woman' but Mary and her husband, Onler have re-written that age old adage. He married her when she was a celeb in her own right and encouraged her to push the boundaries a little bit more each time. To me, he is a man and a rare diamond at that. The kind that every woman should pray her daughter gets for a husband. For I truly don't know, how many men out there in our patriarchal society are willing to play a comparatively smaller role when placed next to their wives and can still hold their own with so much of confidence. It may seem insignificant, but there's a lot to be said about that.

Because every-time the camera bulbs flash, Onler smiles and lets his wife take the lead. Because whenever she has to practice for a match, he is there to take care of the kids. And when she needs that little bit of love and encouragement, he is there right by her side again. What a man! And I've had the good fortune of knowing a few good men who know the difference between being subservient and letting their woman shine. So, if you're married to one such gem, go to him, give him a tight hug and whisper a secret ' I love you'. It always wonders between my parents even now ;-)

Oh, and one more thing to add about North Eastern society. They seem to have a much broader viewpoint about what a woman can and can't achieve on her own. Girls are brought up in such a way so that they believe that they are on par with men in the society. What a man can do, a woman can too. Now, if only that modern and society changing thought could trickle downwards to the south and spread to other parts of India. I can only imagine the number of women whose lives would be all the more enriched by that one change in thinking. And that's why, I've decided that as I bring up my son, I want him to understand that a woman is a powerhouse on her own who deserves all the respect and love in the world. I may not be able to change the way a nation thinks, but surely I can impact the way he treats my daughter-in-law someday.

The Facebook Detox Diet

Is there such a thing as the Facebook detox diet? No, there isn't and the term is merely a figment of my imagination. Although, everything about the diet is probably more realistic than fictional. Let me explain.

I can still remember the day I created an account on Facebook. No, I dont recall the exact day, date or time but I do remember my thoughts when filling in the usual standard questions. At that time I was a big Orkut fan and although everybody began to shift their loyalties to FB, I was still a stickler for the original social networking site. I also had a hi 5 account which I deleted because I honestly forgot to use it as well as a MySpace account, which again I used to forget to even check. However, I signed up for FB 'just in case'. I could never have predicted at that time just how big a control FB would have on my life later. And maybe for plenty of wrong reasons.

As you can imagine, I ended up deleting my Orkut account too because eventually like most things in life, Orkut gave in to the competition and tried too hard to become 'something else'. Gone was the clean interface and easy to read font which were now replaced with a number of customization features. FB with its boring, trademark white and blue screen seemed to have a much bigger magnetic appeal. And what a coincidence in a way, because the same faces that smiled at me from my Orkut friends list were the ones which added to my friends list on Facebook as well.

The good thing about Facebook is that you get to stay aware of what's happening in everybody's life without actually having been there in the first place. I've attended I dont know how many baptisms of new borns, shed a tear or two at weddings I never physically attended, said a prayer for those who had lost loved ones and can even claim to have visited a few foreign lands because of the pictures that were diligently posted online. What began as a celebration of the little events that make up life, according to me soon became a way to prove to others that their life was so very happy. Every little sneeze, every little booze party, every small makeover was being put up for the whole world to see. Although there have been times when I was glad that I was being allowed to celebrate with the person concerned, there were plenty of other times when I wished I had told the person upfront that too much info isn't any good anywhere.

And then came the disastrous 'like' option. To add to everybody's misery, now people could also like other people's opinions and even comment on them. The other day, somebody's dog died and there were actually 4 people who 'liked' the comment. Really? Another day a mum put up an update about her kid who was down with flu. And what have you? Another 5 people 'liked' that update too. I can now believe incidents of people suffering from FB mania or of checking their account some two hundred times a day.

For me, personally I realised that Facebook had begin to affect me in a few other ways that I never thought was harmful at first. Seeing pretty couples pose, beautiful babies being born, happy families on their nth vacation gave me the feeling that my life just wasn't Facebook worthy or even 'me' worthy. I began to compare myself in many ways to over a dozen friends who I felt had 'everything'. And it left me feeling irritated. Miserable. Angry and most importantly, ungrateful for all the blessings I never asked for but received anyway.

Like all problems, getting down to the root cause was the prime challenge. I had become so addicted to knowing what was happening in everybody else's life that I had stopped paying attention to what was happening in mine. And I just had to comment or 'like' something, no matter how silly it actually was. This may not be your story and hopefully you will never be affected the way I was, but I know that years of FB finally began rubbing me the wrong way. And hence the Facebook Detox Diet.

I decided that it was high time I got up and started appreciating what I already had and was in severe danger of losing. I may not have the picture perfect family. The shiny new car with pumped up speakers. Or amazing pics near the Tower of Pisa to show off. But as of now, it's still good to be in my shoes. And I'd like to feel that bit of reality a bit more closer before one of life's surprises knocks me in the face again.

I know that many of my friends love to hear about some funny incident which I have recounted here or some other humourous narrative that has them in splits. The humour hasn't died. But if this was truly to be Sanjana's blog, then I felt that it was also important to jot down my chain of thoughts and whatever started the fire in the first place. And yes, this is one diet that I wholly approve of!

The Green Tea diet failure

So now that the fetish for mangoes which was driving everyone in the house mad is over, I've now shifted my loyalties to the humble payasam or kheer or vermicelli pudding as it is called. With our beloved harvest festival of Onam in the air, it's that time of the year for our paddy fields to don their greenest cloaks, for us to celebrate the best of Kerala vegetarian cuisine and of course, it's also that time when you're allowed to gulp down endless cups of payasam without any mention whatsoever of weight gain!

Which brings me to another much debated and worn out topic of discussion- weight gain. How I wish for the umpteenth time that I was one of those people who could hog like the world was about to experience a famine of the worst kind from the next day and still sashay around in figure hugging dresses and heels. But, sadly that was never meant to be for me, and although I have gotten around to the idea that even the mighty Creator needs a few laughs now and then, it hasn't stopped me from thinking of a quick-fix solution. So, I gave in to the 'green tea' mania which was guaranteed to work and burn off fat and all that. In Singapore, in fact, I even stopped drinking water and used to sip that yucky bitter brew straight from a jar because I thought losing a few fat cells here and there was something my body could give up easily. And since this is MY body we're talking about, I also figured that a measly 4 cups of green tea everyday would simply not work for me (Try convincing your mind to drink something when you actually want to puke so bad). After one week of torturing my taste-buds and putting my already fragile mental strength through such barbaric treatment, I gave up and promptly dunked all the remaining green tea sachets, where they belong in my world that is- in the dustbin :-)

 BUT reading about how effective green tea has been for so many other mums who were slogging to lose all that post pregnancy weight, of course the little devil who resides in half my brain had to make me feel guilty about it as well. ' How come others are able to do it, whereas you aren't? was the one question on my mind. I needn't have gone through so much of self-questioning anyways, because a certain smartypants working in Parry's came up with a fantastic idea- What if you could get all the benefits of green tea in a capsule and save yourself and other unfortunate family members from the possible side-effects (read complaints and non stop grumbles) of consuming the actual drink?? So, yes, I confess, I am now getting my green tea kicks from the humble capsule and although I have been on it for a week, I am yet to see any visible signs of anything whatsoever melting. Although, I have been feeling much more hungrier of late and royally giving into it as well, which again contradicts the prime reason for taking green tea capsules at all :-(

On a happier note, it's been raining kittens and puppies here and the weather is simply gorgeous. It's really grand to snuggle under the blanket for an extra 5 minutes or to hold a steaming mug of coffee between my palms and watch the raindrops fall so close to me. My little boy and I walk to the bus-stop everyday and I realised that he enjoys jumping in every puddle he sees. So although he has the wickedest smile on his face and giggles to himself, I being the strict parent obviously tell him not to do that, but inside I'm secretly enjoying the way he is acting his age. There's a certain freedom and joy and discovery all at once. Please note that he is also the reason why my otherwise white as snow pyjamas have also turned brown in colour. But pyjamas be damned. Childhood comes just once in a lifetime. ;-)

A not so short letter to my 4 year old

Dearest Gaby,

It may seem strange to you that I am typing a letter to you, that too when I see you every day but there were so many things I wanted to tell you but which you just wouldn't understand right now. Years later when you grow older, you are likely to come and ask me 'Mama, what kind of a child was I?' and at that time I don't want to dither for answers. The only reason why I'm likely to scratch my head and think hard about the many things you used to do as a child, is because I'm sure a deadly combination of senility and amnesia would have set in by then. Coming to think of it, as we grow older, for some reason we all want to hear little snippets about our childhood and the naughtier the incidents; the happier we are.

Some day I'm hoping that you will yourself sit down and read all the entries in this blog. But for now, this is what I'd like to say to my first-born:

1. I love looking into your big eyes because they are the only and maybe the best feature you have inherited from me. And they reflect everything- your happiness, a sparkle when you have done something naughty, a teardrop when you are in pain and a 100 other emotions that I know only too well.

2. Your sense of humor is so charming and it's only going to get better as your grow older. You've already figured out that imitating others, making faces, cracking a witty one-liner or your usual 'Pleeazzz' will make others smile. Don't forget to laugh at yourself sometimes too when you grow older. You'll find that it makes you stay grounded and humble.

3. Your grandma loves to whine that the house has become messier after you and I have come here. And I love that. Because a house is always just a building made of bricks and cement, till a child comes and makes it a home. I know you've secretly added a few of your masterpieces on the walls (your grandma hasnt seen them yet and when she does, run! But till then I won't tell :-) ), that your fingerprints can be clearly spotted on the glass cupboards and your toys are everywhere but in their toy box and I love that so much. And I also know that although you say you don't love grandma, you miss her so much when she isn't around. Dont worry, she already knows how much you love her too even though you never hesitate to state otherwise.

4. Since you are the first boy to be born in my side of the family, I can honestly say that you came as a breath of fresh air to your dada. Having been surrounded by 3 women for a good part of his life, finally some testosterone came our way :-) And if you've noticed, your dada very subtly buys biscuits claiming that they are for you and royally finishes them up on his own. (that's another secret we won't tell grandma).

5. I know that bringing you back from Singapore and the whole change in atmosphere was anything but easy for you. But you've adapted so beautifully that I think it's as much your victory as it is mine. I also noticed that you've become naughtier and these days you behave like some invisible leash has suddenly been taken off you. I take that as a sign that this move was just what was needed for you. And me.

6. The last time I saw you biting your nails, you told me ' Mama, my tooth is coming loose' just as an excuse (did you think I was born yesterday?). I know exactly what you were up to and although I do not advocate such blatant twisting of facts or an over hyperactive imagination, my heart was secretly doing a tap dance and I was struggling to control my lopsided smile that was just aching to come out. In short, I wanted to laugh and hug you but that would have only encouraged you to come up with more such stories in the future. And so, you got a warning not to tell any more lies again. But, having said that, let me also tell you that you're nothing like what I was when I was a kid.

7. Hairstyles. I don't know why you think you have the most luxurious mane in the world, but darling you don't. Although I have to hand it over to you for style at the age of 4. I know you don't have enough faith in my style quotient (not that I blame you!) and you assume that your kiddy hairstyles are world-class, but they really are not. However, I do enjoy watching you take your ritual of brushing your hair and styling it so seriously, every day.

8. I love that you're not the clingy type and that you can manage just fine on your own without me. The first time you went to school and sat in the bus all by yourself I was half expecting and  hoping that you would cry for me. And when you didn't , part of me was so disappointed and the other half was so jubilant. If you are confident enough to sit in a bus with strangers you have just met and without a familiar face around at the age of four, you'll do just fine if you have to move to another city and live there when you're older.

9. I love watching you play by yourself. It's such a natural stressbuster that I don't know why I don't do it more often. The sounds that you make, the way you say 'Aiyyo', the imaginary conversations you have- these are a few of the things I wish I could lock up in my mind for always. Because these days will go away as you get bigger and by then you would have discovered the never ending fascination of video games and play stations. I think I've already unconsciously made the decision to keep you away from them for a while longer.

10. Each time I see you, I remember the 1 hour old infant who caught my little finger with both his hands. That one gesture said everything. I used to wonder why mothers cling to their children when they get married, but I've understood that it's something that is easier said than done. Although a mother may or may not say it, there is always the fear that a child may actually not need her someday. And then what is a mother to do? Although, if such a thing happens, it's actually a tribute to the mother's capabilities as a parent. But try telling that to any mother and I bet you she'll have immediate tears in her eyes. There's something nice about needing your mom even when you are independent enough. There's a clear reason why I still bug your grandma into making me tea every morning although it should ideally be the other way round. But, if its any comfort, I do make her breakfast every day.

11. I've rarely met people who can light up a room with their smile, a word or an action. Your Nikki Chech is one such person and so is your Uncle G. Sometimes, you look just like a ray of sunshine especially when you wear your yellow t-shirt and I pray that you'll always have a cheerful look on your face and flutter your long eye-lashes even when you grow older and you get a more realistic taste of what the world really is about.

12. You remind me of a French wine connoisseur every time you eat something tasty and close your eyes while simultaneously smiling and saying mmmmmmmm. Gordon Ramsay would be proud to know that you have such refined sensibilities and such mature taste-buds especially when it involves your mama's cooking.

13. Thankfully, you're getting tired of not getting your way each time you throw a tantrum and that makes it easier for me as a parent. Repeat for the 50th time- Tantrums are bad behavior!

14. Your love for books is undoubtedly from me. And thank God. Because I was seriously contemplating giving away my books to a charity drive or donate them to a school. But now since you already have a taste for the written word, there's a good chance that you'll develop it all your life as well. And anytime you feel like a good read, visit your mama's bookshelf. Each book there has a story of its own and is there for a reason.

In short, bringing you up is one of the hardest challenges I've ever taken up in life. Because I'm always worried if I'm doing it right. The nagging What if's just never let a mother's conscience rest in peace. On the other hand, you're also the sweetest. And the most fun. I can't tell you how glad I am that you know how to have fun and that you give the tightest and bestest hugs in the whole wide world.