Me ThInKs

Joy and Happiness

Iam a highly emotional person. The stupidest, silliest and smallest of things can bring heavy tear drops to my eyes. On the other hand, I also have a short temper. Things can irritate me so easily and so fast. I like everything spic and span, so even one misplaced spoon, or a dirty plate or untidiness can spell woe for the person concerned. So, even if I go all over the place in that one minute am fine for the next 100. Just boom and then calm. So it was with a lot of surprise that I found myself yelling, screaming and shouting on sunday. My face went red, I got seriously angry, my voice took on a very harsh tone, and one the whole I was highy unpleasant. After that one horrific episode, I sat down to cry. Cry because I was mentally exhausted, and above all very very ashamed of my behaviour. Every person has some unseen lines or limits that they wouldnt cross, and I was very upset with myself to acknowledge I had crossed mine bigtime. As I sat down, feeling even more weary in all ways, I realised what the big self help 'gurus' meant. Anger is just not worth it. At all.

I hate self help books. I hate the fact that some person suposedly found out something I didnt realise and wrote a book about it. So while class mates were reading some self help book or the other, I stayed away from all of them. They dont make me feel or be any better. I am capable of reading them, getting bored and then never applying any of it to practical life. Everybody's lessons and experiences are different. My major fuse episode left me feeling that anger isnt worth my time at all. Not only did I feel horrid but fighting the guilt was worse. It took me two days. Every time I tried to push it away, the memory just came back. I felt so crappy and mean. And I am not a mean person.

I happened to read something interesting in a magazine the same day. It talked about joy and happiness. Happiness depends on external elements like your job and family while joy depends on internal elements. I can say that I have honestly been trying to find bits of joy in everything around me. I need to stay calm, especially because with a baby around, its easy to lose your head and get frustrated easily. So now, if hubby spills tea on the counter, instead of raising my voice, I remind myself that everything is reversible and can be made alright. I reach out for the cloth instead.